


the state we're in

by stuartandjeremy



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Development, Character Study, Domestic Fluff, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Healing, I am figuring this out as I go but have most of the groundwork down, Romance, SOFT GAYS, Slow Burn, Useless Lesbians, it was beta'd multiple times by myself does that count
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:49:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29979693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuartandjeremy/pseuds/stuartandjeremy
Summary: What does it take to understand another person fully?Ellie didn’t think her life had ever really started until she met Dina. When the two eventually split up after three years together, each of them must reconcile with their own mistakes and flaws, and ultimately grow from the experience.An AU told in both Ellie and Dina’s POV spanning two timelines.
Relationships: Cat & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina & Joel (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Ellie & Tommy (The Last of Us)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	the state we're in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not my first time writing but it is my first time writing a fanfic. I'm aiming for somewhere around 15k to 20k words, which, at the rate I'm going, looks like 12 to 15 chapters but I honestly don't know.
> 
> Each chapter and its title are loosely based on a different song. I strongly suggest listening to it and reading through the lyrics as these songs really helped shape each chapter and should enrich your reading experience.
> 
> Chapter 1 is Skyline To by Frank Ocean.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtkUJb22oSQ
> 
> I just started working full-time so I don't have as much time to write, but I'll aim to update at least once a week!

Ellie had met Dina during her freshman year when the flowers were in full bloom, and ever since the split the thought of a spring without Dina put a pain in her chest she couldn’t explain. Today she walked alone through fields of poppies, peonies, and primroses, beaming in all their glory under the heat of the California sun, and all she could think about was their very last conversation over a year ago. 

She sat cross-legged on a hill overlooking the farm with the sun gently beating down on her back. On her lap was a sketch of a deep purple morning glory she had picked earlier. She put the flower in her hair and set her sketchbook aside.

Springtime had always made her wistful. In some strange way it felt as if the universe was toying with her; she used to dread the thought of winter, and she moved to the west coast partly for this reason, but now spring, a time that she used to cherish so much, had become another reason for grieving all over again.

Deep down she knew it would pass – that, given enough time, she would be able to honestly tell herself that the very thought of Dina didn’t make her heart ache anymore. Spring didn’t make things easy for her, because that’s when everything in the world started to take on color again and served as a constant reminder of the girl she had loved and left behind.

_________________________________________

Never in her wildest dreams had Ellie ever imagined she would end up settling down on a farm. When she dropped out of university with two months left until her degree completion, she had taken out her entire life savings, including some money Joel had stashed away just for her (she had felt ashamed for doing it but was now grateful that her pride hadn’t got the best of her), and started driving west. She didn’t know where she was going, only following the instinct that told her to get away from everyone and everything she had ever known and start over completely. The decision had been hard, and she left before she could change her mind. She had cried while driving and had to pull over for fifteen minutes to force herself to stop because she couldn’t see the road clearly through her tears.

She had always loved driving. She enjoyed having a singular thing to focus on: the road ahead of her. The more distance she put between herself and Jackson, the better she started to feel. Two hours in, after she was finally able to push away her anxieties about how crazy her non-plan really was, she started singing to herself. She started out soft, just to fill up the silent corners of her car, and eventually she began to yell the words out the window. Somehow the act had felt simultaneously stifling and freeing.

The first time it had dawned on her that this would be her permanent living arrangements for the next little while, she couldn’t help noticing the casual cruelty of it all. Dina had always wanted to live at a farm, to wake up with the sunrise, tend to the sheep and chickens, water and weed the flowerbeds; and later to wind down with the setting sun, wash the dishes with soft music playing in the background, dancing with her feet. By some strange karmic justice, Ellie now had everything Dina had ever wanted for them – the only thing missing was Dina.

But she liked Isaac enough, even if his pragmatic ways reminded her of Joel sometimes, and Isaac seemed to like her too. She was tired, mentally and physically, and she didn’t know if she would be able to find another opportunity like this, so she decided to stay for another week while she planned her next move. One week turned to a month and then three, and she eventually stowed her map away into her closet.

_________________________________________

“You sure you don’t want one of the Millers?”

“Nah, I’m not a fan,” Ellie said, knocking her half-full whisky against Cat’s Miller Lite.

They sat on the porch of the bookstore after closing time, each with a beer in hand. It was their weekly ritual at the end of every Friday: they would both take turns bringing drinks to the bookstore where Cat worked and sit on the porch after closing time. It had started when Cat once told Ellie what a shitty day she was having at work because a customer had mistakenly taken their ledger with them. Ellie showed up at 5 that day with a six-pack in hand and she practically had to pry Cat’s hands off her face as Cat peppered her cheeks with kisses.

“That’s a pretty fucking fast year flew by.”

“What?”

“You’ve been here a year.” Cat scratched absently at her chin as she followed a car passing by with her eyes. She took another sip when the car rounded a corner.

“Shit. I didn’t realize.”

“Pretty crazy, huh? Is it everything you hoped for?”

For all anyone knew, Ellie had practically fallen off the face of the earth since she left Jackson and never looked back. The only person she still kept in touch with was Jesse, whom she called from a public payphone every month. She never had much to say, believing a life at a farm was much less exciting than whatever Jesse did in med school. She was bent on not using the internet unless it was an emergency, but caved during her fifth month at the farm when she went to the library to read Jesse’s first publication from a collaboration with his professors. It was a paper on neurology, and though she didn’t understand a word of it, she was beyond proud of what he had achieved in such a short time since her absence.

Despite her best efforts, she still thought of Joel. She had hoped that uprooting her entire life and cutting off all contact with him would have helped her gain some peace of mind. Whenever her memory swayed in his direction, Ellie felt anger bubbling inside, but also longing.

The truth was, she missed him. She missed his birthday surprises. She missed the way he would laugh at her puns out of pity. She missed the way he would rub her shoulder when he talked her down from one of her nightmares. She missed movie nights and guitar lessons and his overcooked pasta.

But whenever those memories surfaced, she would push them down and remind herself that nothing could ever change the fact that he had betrayed her. And just like that, rage would consume her again until she put her body to work – weeding the plants, brushing the horses, herding the cattle, until she had tired herself out completely and had no energy left to ruminate at the end of the day. Isaac said she was overworking herself, but she didn’t care. And to his credit, he never brought it up again.

Underneath all of that anger and resignation, however, was Dina. She missed Dina most. She had the hardest time steering her head clear of thoughts of the only person she had ever loved so deeply. She missed the nights they’d spend curled up next to each other. She missed seeing her first thing in the morning and hearing her voice when she just woke up. She missed the way Dina would just stop and look at her sometimes, like there was something to her that only Dina was privy to, something that didn’t exist in anything or anyone else. She missed their effortless back-and-forth that never went anywhere but had somehow meant everything. She missed Dina’s kindness, her understanding, how she always knew just what to say and what not to say, how to calm Ellie down when she was upset.

Recognizing the signs, Ellie stopped herself from falling into the rabbit hole that was pining over a love that she had squandered. She didn’t deserve to think about those times anymore.

“It’s got its ups and downs.” Cat looked at her, waiting for her to continue. The sun was sinking, marking the end of yet another day, and in her mind’s eye she could see the day that she and Dina had spent at the university quad, the day just before everything went to shit, when they were laying on the grass, half of Dina’s body on top of hers, and if she continued that train of thought she was certain she would still be able to feel Dina’s warmth seep through the fabrics of their clothes, and the way Dina’s cheek rested on her collarbone …

“But it’ll do for now.” Ellie gestured at the vast, open sky in all its iterations of orange.

Cat seemed to know that there was more to it, but she didn’t pry. Ellie always loved that about her. The girl was perceptive enough to read between the lines, but also knew not to ask for more than was given her. Like her, Cat was a vagabond with questionable origins, and they had a mutual respect for each other’s reluctance to divulge too much about their personal histories. It was one of the reasons they were able to get along so well in the first place.

“Spoken like a true drifter.” Cat raised her second can and downed the rest of it, wincing at the end. “You know where they have the best beers?”

“Where.”

“Boston.”

Silence.

Ellie knocked back the rest of her whisky before responding: “Oh, yeah?”

“Swear to god. I went one time when I was 16 to visit a cousin and he took me on a beer tour.” Cat paused her story to crack open her third can. “We were underage, obviously, but his parents had a beer collection from all these local Boston breweries or something, and he got some of his friends together and we sampled the shit out of those. Best memory I have of high school, no joke.”

Ellie looked down at her lap, noticing the faded callouses on her fingertips, and wondered how her guitar was doing in her room in Boston.

“I mean I fucking hated high school so the bar is pretty low.”

Had Joel packed it up and stored it somewhere safe for the winter? He was always particular about a guitar’s upkeep.

“I wish I could’ve stayed longer but we were only there for the weekend.”

She ran her fingers over her _hamsa_ bracelet, the only reminder of Dina she’d allowed herself to keep with her daily, and wondered if Boston was treating her kindly.

“Still, I managed to snag a can or two of those Samuel Adams back home.”

Did she ever regret giving Ellie her bracelet?

“You know, if you ever consider leaving this shithole you should really go to Boston. It’s got a huge student population, so everyone is basically a nerd.” Cat wiped some beer that had dribbled down her chin. “Somehow I get the feeling you’ll fit right in.”

Ellie’s smile didn’t reach her eyes.


End file.
